The Right Way Around
and the wrong ways
A huge sign reading, “You are getting better or you are getting worse; you never stay the same,” hangs over Stanford University's football practice field. It has caught my attention several times as Jenn and I have biked across the campus near our home.
As the owner of a 52-year-old body, I have come to know the truth of this sentiment. Any “getting better” on my part takes a lot of discipline and a ton of work. Most of the time, day by day, I’m getting slower, weaker, and less steady. Like it or not, it’s how things work. It’s how God designed these physical frames of ours.
But seeing the sign this last time got me thinking … does it hold for our spiritual and psychological growth, too? I think it does. Without effort and intentionality, our issues grow and deepen, calcify and harden — as do our excuses and rationalizations.
Let me offer an example from my past. When our kids were much younger, I sometimes found myself bursting into a level of anger that was disproportionate to whatever happened to be the particular trigger. I blew up a Jenn. I blew up at the kids in the car, on trips, at the dinner table. I knew it was wrong. I apologized more times than I can remember, each time promising not to do it again. But I broke those promises again and again. I wanted to get better, but it didn’t work. Why? Looking back now, I can see that I wasn’t approaching the issue from the right way around.
Whenever we experience something unhealthy in our lives, we stand at a crossroads and three roads extend before us, each offering a choice. To walk the first road is to do nothing. We can refuse to accept or acknowledge reality (denial), attempt to avoid thoughts, feelings, or circumstances that make us think about our issue (avoidance), or accept that we have the issue but delay or refuse to deal with it (passivity).
To walk the second road is to try to address the issue on our own, as I did with my bursts of anger. Shame and isolation make this a popular choice in our modern world. It’s why self-help books are always well-represented on national bestseller lists. And it’s not that this approach never works. For minor or transient issues, this approach can work quite well. For those kinds of issues, our human strength is usually sufficient to overcome. But the thing is, for major issues, it never is.
Major issues are major because of the severity of the harm they cause to others or ourselves, but also because they are stubborn, confusing, and difficult to address. If we could handle them easily, we would do so and they would quickly cease being major issues. No, major issues are, by definition, issues we cannot handle on our own
So, that leaves us with the road less traveled. To walk the third road is to seek God’s help — or said better, to seek God’s healing. That’s what Paul was referring to when he wrote, “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us” (Romans 8:37, ESV). Much of life is about learning how to overcome our issues and mustering the courage to do it. The problem is that when our hearts remain unhealed, our strength is insufficient to always make healthy choices around the issues that arise out of our wounded places. In my case, try as I might, with my unhealed heart, I couldn’t restrain my bursts of anger.
For major issues, the third road — the big-issues-need-a-big-God approach — is, truly, the only way. It relieves us of the futility of hoping beyond hope that our unhealed and, therefore, still incapable hearts will somehow be capable this time. It allows the Great Physician to do the work for which he came: “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners” (Mark 2:17, ESV). It allows Jesus to heal and strengthen our hearts so that even over these things with which we’ve so struggled, we can indeed be “more than conquerors,” but only “through him who loved us.”
So, why do we humans travel the third road less often than the others? Well, I can speak to my own story. I avoided the third road for more than a decade because it required the humility and courage to acknowledge my weakness before God (and Jenn and my trusted brothers) and ask for help. I wanted to be strong and competent on my own.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
For me, it took spending time with friends, bold men who had already found humility and courage and were willing to go first and show me how to find mine. It took time in therapy. It took a long look at my childhood to understand when and where my heart had been wounded and to make sense of what happened. It took being willing to talk about my past, my wounds, and my issues with my therapist and loved ones. And it took some listening prayer to hear what Jesus thought about all of these things.
And then, with my heart healing, I was indeed able to conquer those bursts of rage. Not completely. Not perfectly, of course. I still carry scar tissue from those long-ago wounds and still give in to anger beyond what I am comfortable with, but there is no question about it: I am a new man.
We don’t all have issues with rage, but we all have our issues. We all have ways we hurt ourselves and hurt others. We all do … all the time. Our junk, our imperfections, are part of what defines our humanity. And whenever we gain some healing and overcome an issue, there’s inevitably another one right behind it. It’s our reality, and it’s exhausting. Being human takes a tremendous amount of work — and courage.
Other than anger, I’ve had to face struggles with pornography. And food. And right now, I’m in the middle of trying to understand why I protect my physical comfort so fiercely. Being in the middle, I don’t have much to report. But I have been asking Jesus to care for the places in my heart that drive this behavior and still need his healing.
That, I can do.
Dan Allender recorded “Why Does My Healing Matter?”
Trevor Hudson (Rapt alum) wrote “Improving Our Conscious Contact with God”
Richard Rohr wrote “Transforming Pain”
Sample ➼ “Addiction and Grace” by Gerald May
Sample ➼ “Counterfeit Gods” by Timothy Keller
We updated Rapt’s ‘Best of’ lists this week. Lots of new stuff!
Are you ready to change your narrative and live a different story today? If you're weary from the struggle and ready to experience life as God intended, Jonathan Pokluda’s new book, “Your Story Has a Villain,” will help you explore the tactics of Satan, equip you to overcome spiritual battles, and remind you of the victory already secured through Jesus. Check it out! Jonathan is a Rapt alum.
Zach Meerkreebs is an author, internaitonal speaker, and serves as pastor in residence at Asbury University.
Tanya Godsey is an artist, speaker, spiritual director, host of The Unforced Gifts podcast and author of “Befriending God.”
Linson Daniel is an author, pastor at METRO Church in Texas, an adviser to InterVarsity Christian Fellowship/USA and Fuller Theological Seminary.
Jon Hietbrink is an author, InterVarsity’s Vice President of Campus Ministry, and a founder of the EveryCampus coalition.
Eric Rafferty is the associate national director of chapter planting at InterVarsity, where he coaches students to start new ministries.
Chris Janssen is the author of “Grace Yourself” and a board-certified results coach in performance and mindset.
P.S. Who should we interview next? Click here to let us know. And what new question would you like us to ask them? Click here to submit your suggestion.
“A carefully cultivated heart will, assisted by the grace of God, foresee, forestall, or transform most of the painful situations before which others stand like helpless children saying ‘Why?’” —Dallas Willard
The roads we choose to walk determine the depth of relationships we will enjoy with God, our families and our friends for the rest of our lives — and how much peace, joy, excitement and significance we will enjoy over those years. And how much love and goodness we’ll be able to pour into the lives of the people we love most.
So, are you ready to deal with your issues honestly and earnestly? Do you know in your heart that you got this message today because it’s time to relent and ask for help? Don’t let the moment pass you by. Take the first step. Pray to Jesus for understanding and healing. Then, tell someone you trust what’s going on. Ask them to keep you accountable as you pursue overcoming. Pray and discern together your next step.
We’re in this together, my friend — and I am very grateful for that.
Editor-at-Large, Rapt Interviews & Loop for Women
Co-executive Director, Gather Ministries
Thanks for sharing this. I can relate to this story as I am impacted as a wife by my husband’s stronghold and unhealed past. It is encouraging to read this story to give me hope, that healing is impossible. I hope my husband gets to seek God’s healing, like you did.
SO good... truth.